It's kinda like a consequence resulting from the mindset that you choose to follow. You chose to end it, making yourself numb from feeling wtv that is happening. Esp my sincerity towards the entire thing. The good times that we shared. The bond and connection that we had. I can't get you to change that, not now. And I know that. 

I also know that you've been feeling faded for a while now, and one week is not going to change much of that. Just a few hours of meet up, honestly what was I expecting. I told myself you needed space, time. To do what you want now, not to stop you from doing anything. To make up for all the emotional neglect that I have been giving you, to make everything feel right again. This month really made me realize how much you mean to me. I lost track of us. We lost track of us. And I'm ready and back on track. Waiting for you to be too. 

So having all these thoughts, my mind was in a whirlpool and as usual I broke down. I decided to ask to meet cos you're my constant source of comfort. How else am I going to find comfort other than you. I was really relieved that you agreed to meet. I really did not have any expectations when we met up. But I felt like you were flustered. You were still in your "I don't want" stage and I was kinda prepared for it so I wasn't really affected. I guess I can only act as your friend now. There's only so much I can do. And you have complete control over the situation. When I saw you, all my thoughts were settled. I saw peace with you. We went to amk hub, ate toast box and you already had your shake. Went to challenger and bought my earpiece while you bought your thumb drive.  Went to yck after to sell the phone. Finally. Then you alighted me at Thomson while you went for your facial. 

There's so much I wna say. But I can't. I won't. I'll try my best. Till the end of the month. 

Was on mc today. First time having bronchitis. Went to bathe, changed and headed out to meet her. Decided to find her at her workplace since I didn't want her to travel so far just to come and find me. Moreover I know she's busy with her work. So took the purple line down to hougang, and took a bus to the porridge place for dinner. 

I rmb seeing her back facing me as I walked towards her. Greeted her with a smile, and the thought of wanting to tell her how much I've missed her. It was so comforting to see her face. Finally. We chatted abt work, here and there, while having warm porridge tgt. After dinner, she needed to go back to work cos of her increased workload so I didn't wna take up her time. And I really didn't want her to send me back, but I really wanted to spend more time with her. Anw she sent me back and I bought mamee for her. Today, I passed her a card, a hand sewn stuff toy and her swimsuit I bought online. I hope she read it. I hope she appreciates whatever I'm doing. I hope this moves the stone hindering her from trying again. I'll do wtv it takes. Slowly. To make this work. You're my soulmate. I'll get you back on track. 

Till the next meet up next week. 030316

Many ask what's holding me on in this relationship. Since you decided to let it go. I've thought about it many times, and each time, my stand is still the same. I love you and our memories to fight on. Someone asked whether it was really love or is it a habit of 5 1/2 years? It was a very difficult question to answer. I thought about it carefully over the next few days, and thought maybe it's the latter. It made me feel a little better. 

But when we spent time last Friday just having a simple meal and catching a movie, so much emotions rushed into my head. I realised, it's bcos I love you. I sincerely enjoyed every single moment with you. I forgot to come back to basics. I forgot what simple love felt like. We were so caught up with our commitments that we forgot that quality time spent with each other is what keeps us alive. 

I'm hoping that the future time we spend together will let you try again. You may say that wtv I do will not make you change you mind, but if I don't try, I never know. At least when it doesn't work out, I know that I've tried. 

It's not easy. It's so tough. It's breaking my heart each day. Knowing that you're not okay, knowing that you are still deciding on whether we would be okay. The only thing that's worrying me is you not agreeing to go Bali. I can't deal with that. 

I can't 

5 years 6 months 5 days. That's how long we've been together. As they say, falling in love is easy, but staying in love is hard. I cannot agree more with this statement. It takes commitment, communication and trust to build a lasting relationship. 

I've never thought I'll be able to be with a person forever. I've never foresee myself being loyal to one person forever. That's because people change. Whether you deny it or not, it's the damn fact. You can take an oath to be with someone till death do us part, but do people actually know what they're putting themselves into? That's why I've always told myself that marriage is just a lie that people put themselves into. Do not conform with the society norms. 

5 years ago, that's what I thought. Until I met you. You've given me a new perspective to perhaps, a lasting relationship. I fell in love with your smile. I fell in love with your kindness for people. I fell in love with your fears. I fell in love with us, and I actually thought we could be forever. 

Don't get me wrong, I still think we do. We have changed as a couple. From being a teenage couple to needing to commit to work and earn a living. Work moulds us into what we need to be to survive in the coporate world. And that tweaked our personalities and values a little as well. We've overcomed many obstacles, whether good or bad, and it kept us going till now. I believe it makes us stronger for the preparation of what would be laid ahead of us. 

Whatever I've been saying.. Is not straight to the point. What I've been saying, is that I'm sorry. I've spent a good few hours thinking about us and how I've changed as a person. I'm sorry that I blew at you this morning, saying that we needed to take a break. I know I'm not an easy person to handle. And lately my temper has not been the best. I diss at every little thing you do that makes me unhappy. I don't find the need to compromise. I feel that it's okay for me to feel this way. Everything was about "I". I didn't take into your consideration of your feelings and actions. We don't have the previlege of being like a normal couple. We can go out holding hands. We can't go to each other's places without pretending to be friends. It got to me. It got to me so badly that I blew. I just didn't want to understand. Basically, I just stopped understanding us. Understanding our relationship and how we work. 

You need the night to think it through. I respect that. On the other hand I'm dying to talk to you. I'm dying to tell you that I'm sorry and I hope you won't tell me that you've given up on us. Bcos if you do... 

Through experiences, it's never easy traveling with someone, even if it's just for a few days or a week. It's tough bcos you face each other 24/7 and can hardly have personal space and time, or so I feel. 

But with you, I wldnt mind traveling forever. We have our bad times. We have our conflicts, differences in managing money/ time/ the apartment etc and all the little arguments we had along the way. It wasn't easy, but I'm sure it's inevitable as well. The happy times with you definitely overrided the sad/ angry times that we had. 

I miss staying in our own little apt, living tgt as a preparation for the future. I can be as carefree, calling you with pet names, walking around without my bra, sleeping naked.. Basically being who I am when I'm with you, with no limits. 

Today, I miss this particular day. I miss this day in Paris, where I booked the dinner cruise in celebration and make up for not being able to be in spore with you for your 25th bday. We were really excited about it. We had to be all dapper for it. I remember you asking me what I wld like you to wear, bcos you know how I love when you dress up. I like how we went shopping for my outfit too. We went home, showered and took the effort to dress up for one another and for the night :) I liked how we worked in harmony to make it work. It's been 4 years plus and we hardly do dates, but that felt like the honeymoon period all over again. 

I'll never forget that night, in the most romantic city ever. I would do it all over again, anytime, with you 💖